Stop Storing Stress

I used to be proud of how “resilient” I was. I bragged about it.

I could read a file about horrific child abuse, then head straight to my kid’s school and sit through a concert like nothing happened. No pause. No processing. Just moving on.

I was like a human trash compactor.

Everything came in, and I crushed it down, tight, controlled, buried deep, so there’d be room for whatever came next.

I thought that made me a great cop. Strong. Unshakeable. In control. My Psychologist even told me just how “amazingly resilient” I was.

But here’s the truth: your body keeps score.

It doesn’t matter how good you are at pushing things down. Eventually, it shows up. Just like anything else that damages us over time, drinking, smoking, overworking, starving, overtraining, there’s a cost. And at some point, you pay it.

The word “resilience” gets thrown around a lot. Take a licking and keep on ticking.

But that definition leaves something out. It doesn’t ask you to process anything. It doesn’t make space for what you’ve been carrying.

In Tightrope, I talk about how I’ve come to prefer a different idea: overcoming adversity.

Because overcoming requires engagement. It means acknowledging what happened. It means, at some point, doing something with it.

Maybe you don’t need to process it the first time. Maybe not the tenth.

But eventually, you will.

I didn’t.

And I paid for it. I was diagnosed with both PTSD and MS, conditions that, in large part, were shaped by years of unprocessed trauma.

I’ve spent a lot of time learning since then, including following the work of Gabor Maté. One of the things he speaks about is the connection between suppressed emotions and chronic illness, particularly autoimmune disease.

He points out that women, especially those exposed to prolonged stress or trauma, are more likely to develop these conditions. Not because they’re weaker, but often because they’ve been conditioned to suppress.

To stay quiet. To keep the peace. To not make others uncomfortable.

That hit me hard.

Because in policing, and in many leadership environments, I saw something very clearly.

Most men could raise their voices, swear, vent, blow off steam.

And the response? “It’s fine. He’s just letting it out.”

But when women did the same? “She’s emotional.” “She’s unhinged.” “She lacks control.”

So we adapted.

We stayed calm. Controlled. Contained.

We pushed it down.

Exactly the pattern Maté describes as dangerous.

I can look back now and see moments in my career where I was actively making myself sick by ignoring what my body was trying to tell me.

So here’s what I would say now, to anyone living in constant stress, whether it’s your job, your life, or both:

Find a way to release it.

That doesn’t mean losing control at work.But it does mean not storing everything inside.

Go to a smash room. Blast music and scream in your car. Climb a mountain and let it out at the top. Move your body. Talk to someone. Say the thing you’ve been holding back when it’s safe and appropriate to do so.

Even small acts of expression tell your nervous system: I’ve got you. You don’t have to carry this alone.

And yes, sometimes it’s finding creative ways to say what you really mean. I’ve definitely used a well-timed acronym or two in public settings to get through a moment without blowing up. It helped more than people might think.

The point is this:

Life is too short to keep stockpiling stress and calling it strength.

I wish someone had challenged my definition of resilience earlier. It might not have changed everything but it might have changed enough.

So take a minute and really think about it.

Do you want to keep “sucking it up”? Or do you want to start letting some of it go?

I’m always open to hearing how others are finding ways to get it out.

Never forget, the MOST important human in your life is YOU. If you do not take care of yourself first, you won't be able to help anyone else you love and care about.

Deep breath- you got this.